i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drake has all the answers
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
