i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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