I wish I could teleport
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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