those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
