Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
