Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
