I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
