She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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