you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
