You just made me feel so damn special
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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