Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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