She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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