Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
