If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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