I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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