I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
