I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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