I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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