Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize