Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
