i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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