Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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