This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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