remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
