Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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