i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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