If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
