sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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