No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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