Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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