Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
