Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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