Who wears a wallet chain?!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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