Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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