I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
