it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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