Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
