Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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