The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
