Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You're a waste of cheezeits
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
