i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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