1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
