I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
A bitchslap is in order.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
