I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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