You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
