If that was your dad, he is hot
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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