I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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