just tell him i said nine months
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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