u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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