I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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