Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
