wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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