Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
