So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Swine flu is the new snow day.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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