I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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