i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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