Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
