Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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