He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
