wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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