I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
