Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
