Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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