"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize