The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
