I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
